Something I am working with around shame is an observation that when I seem to be trying to influence how someone feels *about their own actions* I am likely in the realm of shaming. When I notice I am doing so my judgment is undeniable. That’s where the room for empathy appears and so begins the erosion of both my judgment and the shaming.
Thank you for this piece. I really recognise the behaviours you list related to unprocessed shame. And am now reflecting on the ways in which shame is weaponised, intentionally or otherwise, and how this detracts often from the goal of accountability and repair in relationships
Wonderful piece about the relationship between shame and empathy (and its absence). Some interactions trigger a survival/shame response where one tries to outdo the others hurt factor. “I’m more hurt than you so this justifies me hurting you, except I’m protecting myself from you hurting me.”
i speak about what you’ve described in your piece as interpersonal narcissism: a shame driven response to feeling threatened/hurt/insecure that attempts to protect and defend oneself. It manifests as shaming, accusing, denying and so on. For those who can tolerate shame and strive to connect, they can hold two different perspectives at once and seek to understand the others position. It requires empathy and a desire to connect with the others’ humanity. That’s the world I’d love to help co-create.
I have unpacked shame (into 3 shames) so it can be used as our ally rather than an enemy. Shame has an important place to calibrate our moral compass & help us to act with integrity. This piece might be useful in your exploration of shame:
Shame is definitely a feeling I struggle with. I struggle with a lot of shame on both a societal level (racial violence, climate violence being the most prominent) and also on an interpersonal with those I love. Shame leaves me feeling terrified and unable to take action. I struggle mostly with the feelings of worthlessness. I find shame to be a positive feedback loop too: I feel ashamed about having shame. Healing my shame in any way or form usually involves me speaking up for myself and those around me. Healing my shame looks like me facing my fears. That is what has helped me the most thus far.
Thank you for this powerful piece---it opens up so many questions. One area that fascinates me is the use of shame to demonize and silence people (especially women). Much of my work is focused on the unsilencing of women who have been exposed to this form of violence.
Only this: someone I spent twelve years working with told me once as I was in the midst of a rant about someone else: "You can't do others' work for them." That is also a great truth, a message about boundaries and as well, a message about how what I see in others is most certainly first and foremost in me.
Thanks for this Nova. We need to talk about shame! I was blown away by James Gilligan's book Violence which draws such a clear line between shame & violence? incarceration/systemised racism etc. And I love how my model of psychotherapy (Internal Family Systems) talks about shame, as burdens that young parts of us carry, and then lots of other parts of us try to protect us from...
Thank you for this piece, Nova. It has left me reflecting this morning.
I’ve noticed that many people who intentionally shame online will do so to people who have committed similar transgressions that they would forgive people they love for.
I think a lot of the desensitisation and writing people off as “bad” or “good” comes from not knowing a whole person.
Like if someone cuts you up in traffic, or posts something awful online, and you don’t know them, that’s all you have to base their personality off of, and they never have a chance to redeem themselves to you personally.
It’s definitely something I’ve been thinking a lot about recently and feels very topical.
Something I am working with around shame is an observation that when I seem to be trying to influence how someone feels *about their own actions* I am likely in the realm of shaming. When I notice I am doing so my judgment is undeniable. That’s where the room for empathy appears and so begins the erosion of both my judgment and the shaming.
So grateful for you and to you for this question.
Thank you for this piece. I really recognise the behaviours you list related to unprocessed shame. And am now reflecting on the ways in which shame is weaponised, intentionally or otherwise, and how this detracts often from the goal of accountability and repair in relationships
Wonderful piece about the relationship between shame and empathy (and its absence). Some interactions trigger a survival/shame response where one tries to outdo the others hurt factor. “I’m more hurt than you so this justifies me hurting you, except I’m protecting myself from you hurting me.”
i speak about what you’ve described in your piece as interpersonal narcissism: a shame driven response to feeling threatened/hurt/insecure that attempts to protect and defend oneself. It manifests as shaming, accusing, denying and so on. For those who can tolerate shame and strive to connect, they can hold two different perspectives at once and seek to understand the others position. It requires empathy and a desire to connect with the others’ humanity. That’s the world I’d love to help co-create.
I have unpacked shame (into 3 shames) so it can be used as our ally rather than an enemy. Shame has an important place to calibrate our moral compass & help us to act with integrity. This piece might be useful in your exploration of shame:
https://open.substack.com/pub/nathaliemartinekphd/p/shame-is-your-ally-not-your-enemy
Shame is definitely a feeling I struggle with. I struggle with a lot of shame on both a societal level (racial violence, climate violence being the most prominent) and also on an interpersonal with those I love. Shame leaves me feeling terrified and unable to take action. I struggle mostly with the feelings of worthlessness. I find shame to be a positive feedback loop too: I feel ashamed about having shame. Healing my shame in any way or form usually involves me speaking up for myself and those around me. Healing my shame looks like me facing my fears. That is what has helped me the most thus far.
Thank you for this powerful piece---it opens up so many questions. One area that fascinates me is the use of shame to demonize and silence people (especially women). Much of my work is focused on the unsilencing of women who have been exposed to this form of violence.
Only this: someone I spent twelve years working with told me once as I was in the midst of a rant about someone else: "You can't do others' work for them." That is also a great truth, a message about boundaries and as well, a message about how what I see in others is most certainly first and foremost in me.
Thanks for this Nova. We need to talk about shame! I was blown away by James Gilligan's book Violence which draws such a clear line between shame & violence? incarceration/systemised racism etc. And I love how my model of psychotherapy (Internal Family Systems) talks about shame, as burdens that young parts of us carry, and then lots of other parts of us try to protect us from...
Thank you for this piece, Nova. It has left me reflecting this morning.
I’ve noticed that many people who intentionally shame online will do so to people who have committed similar transgressions that they would forgive people they love for.
I think a lot of the desensitisation and writing people off as “bad” or “good” comes from not knowing a whole person.
Like if someone cuts you up in traffic, or posts something awful online, and you don’t know them, that’s all you have to base their personality off of, and they never have a chance to redeem themselves to you personally.
It’s definitely something I’ve been thinking a lot about recently and feels very topical.