I have ghosted (with good cause) and been ghosted (also with good cause). If I choose to take this too personally, then I am not allowing people their right to choose, just as I chose. Both relationships were 45 years plus. Both were ended due to deep, searing hurt. A conversation wouldn't have sufficed, or gone well, for one was about Trump, among other things like conspiracy theories which I just couldn't. Sometimes all we can do is let a connection disappear in the mists, with our love, and wish them safe passage. Omigod it's hard. Especially at my age, 71, when we don't have the same years ahead to build a fifty year friendship. Well done, Nova.
All of this. So deeply felt. Loosing anyone you love is heartbreaking. As you said, even in the ending, we do owe each other basic humanity and care. Just the care of letting someone know you can't be in their life anymore. Thank you for sharing this with us ❤️
Thank you, this isn't talked about enough. I had a best friend of 30 years (we met on the first day of primary school), our friendship ended extremely abruptly 2 years a go. I'd been estranged from my mother for several years and completely out of the blue, my friend decided to move in with my estranged mother. It was such a shock and so out of the blue and felt like my world turned upside down as my friend had been was such a support through it all. I cried and I cried for months. We met up a while later and I thought I could just forgive and forget but I couldn't as the trust was gone. Without any accountability for actions there's no trust and without trust what kind of a relationship is that. Trust seems like something reserved for more intimate relationships, but its just as important in friendships. I'm sorry you've gone through this heartache and everyone else reading as this pain is visceral.
I’m also feeling this post deeply. Such a wonderfully written piece Nova ❤️
I wasn’t mature enough and didn’t know why I didn’t want to meet up with a friend anymore so I after the one way love for 20 years ended things by not inviting them to my wedding. They had never stuck up for me through years of abuse/bullying. I will never forget going to their house to talk about my wedding and then saying ‘when have I never been there for you?’ And I froze... years after that I confronted the bully who was also ‘a friend’ and my long friend. No apology from either. Right decision made but birthdays are hard, reliving ‘when have I never been there for you?’ Also hard but the right decision.
There are not a lot of people that speak the dialect of ambiguous grief well. You, are a breath of fresh air. Thank you for the ways you put such meaningful words to spaces where there usually aren't very helpful ones.
Thanks for this excellent essay Nova. I have got divorced from a friend and the pain was intense. I deeply missed her for about three years but with a lot of effort I was able to circle around to some kind of healing.
Now one of my close friends is in the same situation. She has experienced a lot of growth which meant saying goodbye to her lifelong bestie who remained firmly in her same path that involves a lot of gossip etc. I am glad I can fully support her through the pain of this breakup.
I appreciate your comment that we grow and they may not grow alongside us. We may have to let go but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt like crazy.
Wow this essay really struck me, especially this line: “Disenfranchised grief is when a society doesn't recognise or validate your grief / loss.” It’s interesting how society’s views on things affects our ability to see and acknowledge emotions within ourselves.
You just put words to something so heartbreaking. There is so much unspoken grief when a friendship breaks - and that is only word that describes it, a shattering of trust, love, understanding.
Wonderful piece, Nova! I resonated with so much of it and reflected on my own experiences with platonic breakups, which is something I've thought about a lot. Society doesn't have a roadmap for navigating these in the same way it does for romantic breakups, so it's incredibly isolating, and like you said, we often berate ourselves for not moving past them. I've had to end two friendships the past few years, and I didn't realize how much of a process it would be -- though these relationships had taken a massive toll on my mental health, I'd also learned a lot and had many lovely experiences throughout them. I didn't know how to hold space for both sides of the situation. There's so much to think about here and I appreciate you for sharing so candidly about an important (but under-acknowledged) topic.
Thank you so much for your words. The above poem I wrote this week about a friendship that ended over 10years ago and I still feel the pain of that breakup more than I do the pain of my divorce a few years earlier. We don't talk about it often enough. Thank you
I just published my first stack which is about grief in the Origin movie. Thank you for sharing your insight on the movie and grief. I am always interested in other perspectives on movies. I didn't learn that there are different types of grief until about 3 years ago. Friendship grief is definitely painful, and as you stated, not talked about much.
I have ghosted (with good cause) and been ghosted (also with good cause). If I choose to take this too personally, then I am not allowing people their right to choose, just as I chose. Both relationships were 45 years plus. Both were ended due to deep, searing hurt. A conversation wouldn't have sufficed, or gone well, for one was about Trump, among other things like conspiracy theories which I just couldn't. Sometimes all we can do is let a connection disappear in the mists, with our love, and wish them safe passage. Omigod it's hard. Especially at my age, 71, when we don't have the same years ahead to build a fifty year friendship. Well done, Nova.
All of this. So deeply felt. Loosing anyone you love is heartbreaking. As you said, even in the ending, we do owe each other basic humanity and care. Just the care of letting someone know you can't be in their life anymore. Thank you for sharing this with us ❤️
Thank you, this isn't talked about enough. I had a best friend of 30 years (we met on the first day of primary school), our friendship ended extremely abruptly 2 years a go. I'd been estranged from my mother for several years and completely out of the blue, my friend decided to move in with my estranged mother. It was such a shock and so out of the blue and felt like my world turned upside down as my friend had been was such a support through it all. I cried and I cried for months. We met up a while later and I thought I could just forgive and forget but I couldn't as the trust was gone. Without any accountability for actions there's no trust and without trust what kind of a relationship is that. Trust seems like something reserved for more intimate relationships, but its just as important in friendships. I'm sorry you've gone through this heartache and everyone else reading as this pain is visceral.
I’m also feeling this post deeply. Such a wonderfully written piece Nova ❤️
I wasn’t mature enough and didn’t know why I didn’t want to meet up with a friend anymore so I after the one way love for 20 years ended things by not inviting them to my wedding. They had never stuck up for me through years of abuse/bullying. I will never forget going to their house to talk about my wedding and then saying ‘when have I never been there for you?’ And I froze... years after that I confronted the bully who was also ‘a friend’ and my long friend. No apology from either. Right decision made but birthdays are hard, reliving ‘when have I never been there for you?’ Also hard but the right decision.
There are not a lot of people that speak the dialect of ambiguous grief well. You, are a breath of fresh air. Thank you for the ways you put such meaningful words to spaces where there usually aren't very helpful ones.
I'm an instant fan, excited to follow along!
Thank you!
Thanks for this excellent essay Nova. I have got divorced from a friend and the pain was intense. I deeply missed her for about three years but with a lot of effort I was able to circle around to some kind of healing.
Now one of my close friends is in the same situation. She has experienced a lot of growth which meant saying goodbye to her lifelong bestie who remained firmly in her same path that involves a lot of gossip etc. I am glad I can fully support her through the pain of this breakup.
I appreciate your comment that we grow and they may not grow alongside us. We may have to let go but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt like crazy.
Wow this essay really struck me, especially this line: “Disenfranchised grief is when a society doesn't recognise or validate your grief / loss.” It’s interesting how society’s views on things affects our ability to see and acknowledge emotions within ourselves.
You just put words to something so heartbreaking. There is so much unspoken grief when a friendship breaks - and that is only word that describes it, a shattering of trust, love, understanding.
Wonderful piece, Nova! I resonated with so much of it and reflected on my own experiences with platonic breakups, which is something I've thought about a lot. Society doesn't have a roadmap for navigating these in the same way it does for romantic breakups, so it's incredibly isolating, and like you said, we often berate ourselves for not moving past them. I've had to end two friendships the past few years, and I didn't realize how much of a process it would be -- though these relationships had taken a massive toll on my mental health, I'd also learned a lot and had many lovely experiences throughout them. I didn't know how to hold space for both sides of the situation. There's so much to think about here and I appreciate you for sharing so candidly about an important (but under-acknowledged) topic.
I watched as she walked away
My heart, broken
Trust between us, shattered
Betrayed, abandoned
Our once solid friendship
Destroyed
No longer evergreen
Like we promised it would be
Turned instead to rust
I never saw her again
I didn't have the opportunity to ask
What went wrong?
Thank you so much for your words. The above poem I wrote this week about a friendship that ended over 10years ago and I still feel the pain of that breakup more than I do the pain of my divorce a few years earlier. We don't talk about it often enough. Thank you
I felt this recently. It was as heartbreaking as my divorce. Thanks for writing this!
So very true
Excellent Writing
I just published my first stack which is about grief in the Origin movie. Thank you for sharing your insight on the movie and grief. I am always interested in other perspectives on movies. I didn't learn that there are different types of grief until about 3 years ago. Friendship grief is definitely painful, and as you stated, not talked about much.
The beauty of this piece is just breathtaking.
This was deeply felt.