Not Everything Is the System—Some of It Is the Soil
I’ve read the essays. I’ve nodded along when we say envy is rooted in white supremacy. And yes, that’s part of it.
But let’s be honest. Some of what we carry didn’t come from the system.
It came from our homes.
From mothers who never got their flowers.
From play cousins who loved you in public and tore you down in private.
From family structures that praised silence and punished softness.
From environments that taught us how to compete—but not how to celebrate.
We didn’t just inherit oppression.
We inherited behavior.
And until we name that—until we face the “moral inheritance” of how we were taught to see one another—we’ll keep dressing jealousy up in silence, shade, and side-eyes.
Let’s unlearn that.
Let’s teach our daughters something different.
Let’s be the women who clap with our whole chest when another sister rises.
To me, Mothers / caregivers are both part of the system and the soil - I mention this in the piece. Because what kind of mothers / caregivers born and raised in a hostile system (also reads environment) does it nurture? Thank your for adding your words and sharing my piece 🙏🏾
A lot is relatable. Coming from a community who were direct descendants from Holocaust survivors, that trauma was perpetuated further between each other. As the sad truth goes:
If we don’t heal from what hurt us, we end up bleeding on those who didn’t cut us 💔
I love the important point you make, that if something feels disproportional, it’s always generational.
Black women hating on and undermining the efforts other Sistas due to their own internalised pain, is soul destroying.
As an organisation led by Black women, we have faced the ripple effects of this type of envy and it stings because our focus is on co-creating liberated, healing environments, especially for Black women and youth. While we’re working to liberate us all from the harms of the colonial matrix, the more positive attention we receive, the more some of our kinfolk want to clip our wings.
As a people, we hold so much pain and trauma, which can manifest in many different ways, and so often it’s towards our own kind.
A painful lesson for me to accept is that not everybody wants to heal. It is soul destroying. The journey is different for all of us. I’m really sorry to hear you experience so much undermining. I hope you won’t let it stop you because I’m certain you are also reaching those who both benefit from and value the work your organisation is doing. 🙏🏾
Thank you for your insightful and powerful piece Eye to Eye: Black Women and Envy. I listened with joy and deep resonance. I'm so glad you chose to explore this subject it's something I attempted to touch on in my own piece, Reflections on the Shore, but you go much deeper.
I truly believe we need more spaces workshops, gatherings, creative forums to unpack these layers together. Your words reminded me of a moment from childhood: a "contest" in the school playground to decide who was the "blackest" among us, each of us presenting the inner part of our arms for comparison. It was confusing it was as if being black was bad.
Living in a capitalist society shaped by white supremacy and misogyny, it's no wonder we carry these inherited tensions. But seeing Black women come together especially through platforms like TikTok for sister meet-ups, joy, and healing gives much joy.
By naming this type of envy as you have done, you've offered us a real starting point. A chance to deconstruct, to heal, to do the inner work. I would love to attend any workshops you or others host on this subject.
You also reminded me of Sister Outsider, which was my introduction to Audre Lorde. So much of what she said resonated deeply with me. I’ll be revisiting that chapter again this morning, with fresh eyes and an open heart.
Thank you for your wisdom, clarity, and care. It means so much.
I really appreciate you diving into this topic. Like you, it is a matter I have touched on in my own writing. I have been attempting to examine the roots that cause and have caused such behavior among black women. I've seen the envy in my own family that has had generational impacts. I have seen it even as a young girl, but I didn't have language for it.
bell hooks' book Sister of the Yam, black women and self recovery also references Audre Lorde's Eye to Eye. The missing element of tenderness within my own community and family always saddened me. I didn't understand the harshness that was so pervasive.
It wasn't until I started on my journey of healing from childhood pain, I was able to understand more and discovered language that helped me tremendously.
And unfortunately, this not only happens friend to friend, but mother to daughter, cousin to cousin and so on.
After decades of other black women exploring the same thing...here we are still trying to understand, still hurt by the insults.
I chose NOT to carry it on, but to break this awful pattern.
A demonstative, healing collaborative would be AWESOME!
Not Everything Is the System—Some of It Is the Soil
I’ve read the essays. I’ve nodded along when we say envy is rooted in white supremacy. And yes, that’s part of it.
But let’s be honest. Some of what we carry didn’t come from the system.
It came from our homes.
From mothers who never got their flowers.
From play cousins who loved you in public and tore you down in private.
From family structures that praised silence and punished softness.
From environments that taught us how to compete—but not how to celebrate.
We didn’t just inherit oppression.
We inherited behavior.
And until we name that—until we face the “moral inheritance” of how we were taught to see one another—we’ll keep dressing jealousy up in silence, shade, and side-eyes.
Let’s unlearn that.
Let’s teach our daughters something different.
Let’s be the women who clap with our whole chest when another sister rises.
Not because it’s trendy. But because it’s right.
To me, Mothers / caregivers are both part of the system and the soil - I mention this in the piece. Because what kind of mothers / caregivers born and raised in a hostile system (also reads environment) does it nurture? Thank your for adding your words and sharing my piece 🙏🏾
Well said! I feel this in my bones.
Powerful
Thank you so much for sharing 🙏
A lot is relatable. Coming from a community who were direct descendants from Holocaust survivors, that trauma was perpetuated further between each other. As the sad truth goes:
If we don’t heal from what hurt us, we end up bleeding on those who didn’t cut us 💔
I love the important point you make, that if something feels disproportional, it’s always generational.
Thanks for taking the time to read this piece and adding your voice Shifra. History really does shape us and our relationships with one another
Yes 🙏💗
Thank you so much for bringing this to my awareness
“Hurt people, hurt people!”
Black women hating on and undermining the efforts other Sistas due to their own internalised pain, is soul destroying.
As an organisation led by Black women, we have faced the ripple effects of this type of envy and it stings because our focus is on co-creating liberated, healing environments, especially for Black women and youth. While we’re working to liberate us all from the harms of the colonial matrix, the more positive attention we receive, the more some of our kinfolk want to clip our wings.
As a people, we hold so much pain and trauma, which can manifest in many different ways, and so often it’s towards our own kind.
A painful lesson for me to accept is that not everybody wants to heal. It is soul destroying. The journey is different for all of us. I’m really sorry to hear you experience so much undermining. I hope you won’t let it stop you because I’m certain you are also reaching those who both benefit from and value the work your organisation is doing. 🙏🏾
Dear Nova,
Thank you for your insightful and powerful piece Eye to Eye: Black Women and Envy. I listened with joy and deep resonance. I'm so glad you chose to explore this subject it's something I attempted to touch on in my own piece, Reflections on the Shore, but you go much deeper.
I truly believe we need more spaces workshops, gatherings, creative forums to unpack these layers together. Your words reminded me of a moment from childhood: a "contest" in the school playground to decide who was the "blackest" among us, each of us presenting the inner part of our arms for comparison. It was confusing it was as if being black was bad.
Living in a capitalist society shaped by white supremacy and misogyny, it's no wonder we carry these inherited tensions. But seeing Black women come together especially through platforms like TikTok for sister meet-ups, joy, and healing gives much joy.
By naming this type of envy as you have done, you've offered us a real starting point. A chance to deconstruct, to heal, to do the inner work. I would love to attend any workshops you or others host on this subject.
You also reminded me of Sister Outsider, which was my introduction to Audre Lorde. So much of what she said resonated deeply with me. I’ll be revisiting that chapter again this morning, with fresh eyes and an open heart.
Thank you for your wisdom, clarity, and care. It means so much.
Warmly,
Ophelia
I really appreciate you diving into this topic. Like you, it is a matter I have touched on in my own writing. I have been attempting to examine the roots that cause and have caused such behavior among black women. I've seen the envy in my own family that has had generational impacts. I have seen it even as a young girl, but I didn't have language for it.
bell hooks' book Sister of the Yam, black women and self recovery also references Audre Lorde's Eye to Eye. The missing element of tenderness within my own community and family always saddened me. I didn't understand the harshness that was so pervasive.
It wasn't until I started on my journey of healing from childhood pain, I was able to understand more and discovered language that helped me tremendously.
And unfortunately, this not only happens friend to friend, but mother to daughter, cousin to cousin and so on.
After decades of other black women exploring the same thing...here we are still trying to understand, still hurt by the insults.
I chose NOT to carry it on, but to break this awful pattern.
A demonstative, healing collaborative would be AWESOME!
Best,
Precious