You care too much

words from mum, thoughts on feelings

Hello wonderful

“You care too much” (you’ll come to notice I like starting my posts with quotes)

I was intending to write a post to you about my new found love for swimming and the ocean. But the truth is, (coupled with covid kicking my ass) as someone who cares deeply about collective healing, while I am acutely aware we live in a time of overlapping crisis, I’ve found it difficult to think about much, beyond what is going on in Gaza.

And I remembered these words from my mum. “You care too much”

The words always stayed with me. She has shared them with me many times since. No doubt at an attempt to protect me from taking on the worlds worries (as she once did and I imagine still does), as mine and mine alone. I recognise the sleepness nights she still has, in me. All this to say, it always felt like this statement - to care ‘too’ much, was wrong, or a bad thing. Perhaps even a judgement.

Another one from mum: “don’t let anyone see you’re hurting”.

Well. My mum (hello mum!) will tell you, if I was specifically told NOT to do something that didn’t make sense to me, I rarely did what I was told. I clearly was, at times, a disobedient child, (reads curious), because I wore my heart on my sleeve and question most things. I still do. I have never been able to hide my feelings, it takes up way too much energy pretending to feel anything other than what is truthful or present for me.

Another one from mum: “you cannot resolve the worlds problems” wise words and this is true.

I am an empath . So I cannot not feel.

I chose this header image (which I LOVE) captured by Carletta Grima from a book event I was speaking at in Washington D.C last month (it was glorious - I will tell you about it another time) and when this image was shared with me, a brilliant Black woman who was hosting me said:

“Nova - you smile and experience joy with your whole body”

I do. I think you can see that from this picture. I also grieve with my whole body too. To feel, is to feel everything - not just the joy.

Because I feel everything (and I wouldn't have it any other way), it does however mean boundaries are vital to help me stay well, otherwise things become completely untenable and overwhelming.

To feel, is to be connected to my humanity. In researching for my book, The Good Ally, I wanted to make important reference to (as does shame researcher Brené Brown and others) the powerful link between shame and lack of empathy and how lack of empathy swiftly leads to dehumanisation and how the dehumanisation of others have been key ingredients to every single human genocide on this planet. Everything is linked.

Feeling is hard, leaning into the truth of our experience and that of others, can at times, be unbearable, but you know what? Meet yourself where you are at and you’ll meet others there too. I am ok with caring ‘too much’. Because as long as I feel, I am connected to my humanity.

Take care of you

xx