Musings on childlessness and how to be a better friend
Thoughts on the invisible nature of childlessness and how it impacts friendships
“Your womb is not viable for pregnancy”
I’ll never forget how obliterating hearing these seven words, seven years ago, were.
Fertility doctors have an extraordinary way with words.
I used to have an obsession with watching One Born Every Minute (non-UK dwellers- this was a docu-series featuring couples preparing to welcome their babies into the world - not one for the squeamish) As I religiously watched with interest and wonderment, I remember my mum saying: “it will put you off”! And maybe for a while it did - because unlike my friends, I never had a strong urge to put my body through - what looked like torture. And equally, I couldn’t imagine not being a mum.
The recent and sudden death of hubby and I’s cat, has brought our childlessness into stark focus again. It’s confronting. When we first got married, long before these seven aforementioned words were uttered, I remember being so agitated by constantly being asked ‘when are you going to have children?’ I found it so invasive. Hubby and I had barely even walked down the aisle.
Years later, I noticed this sudden shift. There’s a point I can’t pin point, between when the frequent, unboundaried and disconcerting intrigue in the antics of my womb and sex life ceased and was replaced by an almost judgemental ‘how long have you been married, now? The now always overly emphasised, followed by this extra long silence and confused look, as they try to fill in the blanks that may have led to our - no, scratch that - MY seeming defectiveness.
The judgement. Followed by the constant social damaging impact of being stripped of your ‘biological usefulness’ - prods and pokes at core wounds around unworthiness that are devastating.
I also noticed and continue to notice the increasing sting of the persisting imbalance of reciprocity in relationships with friends with children, and the lack of care and normalised thoughtlessness around childlessness. This, at times, makes it an incredibly lonely place to be.
Now. Let me explain.
There is a type of ‘othering’ that happens when you are childless that not nearly enough people speak about.
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