Boundaries

Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously - Prentis Hemphill

Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously. Boundaries give us the space to do the work of loving ourselves. They might be, actually, the first and fundamental expression of self love.

I love this quote by author Prentis Hemphill - it reframes the misconception of boundaries being a selfish act, to a necessary act of deep love and care.

So many of us are taught to be boundary-less from a young age. We’re taught to lie at a very young age - to express excitement for presents we have no care for. We’re taught to receive non-consensual hugs or kisses from relatives, whose energy has us on edge, because we’re told it’s rude not to embrace them. We are taught to prioritise other people’s comfort, over telling the truth.

We are taught to do as we are told, to be compliant. But when you are taught to be compliant - rather than honest, when you are taught to override your safety to please others, boundaries can feel challenging. In fact, holding boundaries can feel terrifying.

Boundaries are the topic I get asked about the most as a speaker and Black woman who regularly holds them - because we really struggle with boundaries. Both setting them and being on the receiving end of them.

Holding boundaries can be especially hard for Black women, because historically and to this present day, society has been conditioned to expect our deference. To expect us to be all things to all people, to caretake, to put our bodies on the line, to fight for all causes, all of the time. It’s untenable. It’s also anti-human.

Boundaries are also hard when you are around people who have little to no boundaries and have become used to your ‘yes’. But when we continue to say ‘yes’ to things we really mean ‘no’ to, we not only build up resentment - but it almost always leads to overextending and exhaustion.

Every time we undermine our own boundaries, we not only disrespect ourselves, but it has a detrimental impact on our mental health. I know - because I have been there. My boundaries were violated at a very young age and as a consequence, work on boundaries will be work I have to intentionally do for the rest of my life. As Prentis Hemphill concurs - Boundaries do not exist to be difficult to others, they are for you first and foremost - they are detrimental in maintaining your mental health and for building autonomy and healthier relationships with others and first and foremost, yourself.

And for Black women who’ve been conditioned to be all things to all people at the expense of self - the need to develop a healthy relationship with boundaries is not only urgent, I believe it will save our lives.

What’s your relationship to boundaries?

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UK dwellers - I am hosting an event for Black women on boundaries - on the 23rd November in London. We have final few seats left - if you would like to join me and others in community.

If you do not sit within this identity, or cannot attend and would like to be in allyship by sponsoring a place for a black woman who needs financial support to attend - you can contribute to a place via PayPal here.

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Photo by: Garry Carbon

Thanks for being here. Nova Reid is a writer, mental health advocate, TED Speaker, Producer and author of The Good Ally. You can find out more about her work on www.novareid.com